Ranking the Sex Minigames in God of War
By Yung Namahage • 1 year ago

Lately I've been deep into God of War: Ragnarok, and as a long-time fan of the series I can appreciate the drastically new direction Santa Monica have taken it. Kratos was one of the singular most badass protagonists in gaming; now he's settled down in a new country, with a new family, trying to shake off the trauma of his past. But as mature and well-written the Norse saga is, we gotta pay our respects to the one-note vengeance-mad Kratos who was crushing fools, slaying gods and laying pipe all over ancient Greece.

The series has changed a lot lately, but the original trilogy (and spin-offs) had some recurring elements. E.g, each started with a huge boss fight that doubles as a tutorial, also Kratos would cut off a magic head of some kind he would put to good use on his journey, and we can't forget the good ol' sex minigames that actually didn't show any sex. Heads being snapped and eyes being gouged out are ok, even tiddies are allowed, but nothing below the belt.

Maybe they were included as a joke from the developers, or maybe it was to show how much of a Chad Kratos is in bed when he's not ripping deities apart with his bare hands. Or perhaps it's an elaborate case of the not-gays; after all, Kratos is from one of the most militantly homosexual civilizations in human history, and people in the early 2000s would probably think he's a bit fruity if he wasn't banging several broads at a time in each game. Or maybe the guy just got horny on his many bloody quests for vengeance. Anyway, here's my ranking of the sex minigames in God of War:

N/A - God of War: Betrayal, God of War: Ascension, God of War (2018) & God of War: Ragnarok

Ok, so none of these actually qualify because they don't have sex minigames. Betrayal was a pre-smartphone mobile game with a much simpler presentation, so the sex minigames were one of many things that were trimmed for this distilled interquel. Ascension, the last in the Greek saga, was a prequel set in the early days of Kratos' servitude to Ares shortly after he had been tricked into killing his first wife Lysandra and daughter Calliope. The developers confirmed at the time that this wouldn't continue the sex minigame tradition because Kratos was still mourning his family. Makes sense, I suppose.

Similarly, after killing his dad and moving to Scandinavia, falling in love again and having a son with his late second wife Laufey, they confirmed it would be out of character at this point for Kratos to take part in orgies in GoW (2018). I'd assume it's the same case with Ragnarok - if there is one in there I haven't found it yet.

5 - God of War (2005)

The best quality image I could find is from the censored Japanese version where they have bras - sorry!

The one that started it all. During the iconic hydra boss battle that kicks off the first game, Kratos falls into a bedchamber that has these horny bitches ready and waiting for his huge demigod cock. Instead of showing the action, the camera focuses on a vase on the bedside table that breaks once the boat has been succesfully rocked. Basic, but forgivable since it's the very first.

According to the novelization, said bitches are known as Zora & Lora, the daughters of Aphrodite. That makes things a little weirder in hindsight, which I'll get into later...

4 -  God of War 2

Same deal here. Weird to see a western series with nudity censored in Japan. How times have changed...

While Zora & Lora show up in the intro cutscene, Kratos, now the true God of War, has better things to do. During his fight with the Colossus of Rhodes, he takes a detour in a bathhouse and cums across two more whores willing to get wet & wild with his white ass. These girls show a lot more than Zora & Lora did even in the uncensored version of the first game, and it gets bonus points for the camera zooming into one of those pissing statues that really goes for it alongside Kratos.

These girls are named in the official guide as Leda & Persephone - no relation the the queen of the underworld in Chains of Olympus.

3 - God of War: Chains of Olympus

Speaking of which, this PSP spin-off proved the series' brand of cathartic chaos could transfer well to handheld. It had the huge boss fights, the cool nods to mythology, and even the sex minigame. After defeating the invading Persian King, Kratos finds his twin concubines in the next room and gives them a boss fight of their own while a lewd candle holder gets bukkake'd with wax. Hot. 

2 - God of War: Ghost of Sparta

Since Ascension and the Norse saga got rid of the sex minigames, the second PSP spin-off was the last time we saw one in a GoW game. It's also the most over-the-top. Here, Kratos returns to his hometown of Sparta, where the brothel workers are all too eager to service him. Instead of seeing something else getting rumbled as he pounds away we see the bed itself quaking as women keep throwing themselves onto it. That's one way to get over murdering your wife and daughter.

1 - God of War: Ghost of Sparta

The end of the original trilogy showed the Greek pantheon going out with a bang, and Kratos certainly did at one of the game's most infamous moments. This one breaks series tradition with him hooking up with just one woman like some loser incel virgin. However, that one woman is none other than Aphrodite herself. The literal goddess of sex, beauty and love who'd rather get laid while Olympus collapses around her than deal with family drama. You just know that pussy's heavenly. The fact that you see her horny handmaidens groping each other as they see their mistress doing unspeakable things to the Ghost of Sparta and then finally jumping on each other is the icing on the cake. 

There is one thing worth mentioning. Kratos is the son of Zeus, right? Aphrodite is also the child of Zeus. So when he fucked her daughters in the first game, he was carrying on the ancient Greek tradition of keeping it in the family. Can't say the devs are being historically or mythologically inaccurate here. Incest aside, I've busted the most nuts to this one and therefore it's the best in my eyes.

What do you think of God of War's sex QTEs? Which is your favorite? Let us know below!